I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
You Might Also Like
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story