Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
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December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.