*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
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Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.