me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
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[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Weirdos gonna weird.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.