Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
You Might Also Like
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?