My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
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The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
adam and eve had first world problems
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
I love it all
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no