Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
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Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person