How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
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I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
So sick of all these stupid rules
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it