when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
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HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.