every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
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Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.