When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
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I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
You’ll be OK
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons