Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
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Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*