The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
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Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
This dude got his own movie?
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.