The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
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Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
I don’t get marriage
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Breaking news:
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.