Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
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Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
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[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal