[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
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How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water