What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
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what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*