ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
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So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying