The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
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People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.