My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
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Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris