just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
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To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Fries, not lies.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.