When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
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I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*