so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
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Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”