Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
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Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
me and who
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.