I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
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Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning