Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
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look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Always the camel, never the toe.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
the composer
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.