My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
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Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)