it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
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*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?