Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
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Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
how high up are we talkin’?
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.