My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
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My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I’d love this…lol
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Try and stop me.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow