Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
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Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Lol.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse