Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
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Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom