Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
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Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.