ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
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<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
can’t talk my ride’s here
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
the icebreaker