You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
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Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
welcome back
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.