DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
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In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
2022: I can fix it
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.