PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
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My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.