Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
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Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.