[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
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You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers