Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
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Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.