How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
You Might Also Like
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
How do you like your Corgi?
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy