In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
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Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Mistakes were made
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
how long have you had this for?