“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
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I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Me checking my bank balance online.
Found the job I’m suited for
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Get in loser we’re going crying
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave