I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
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My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.