Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
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Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes