Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
You Might Also Like
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
kitchen magnet
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.