Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
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May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it