I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
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Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself