Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
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I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent