Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
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In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
That lamp looks PISSED.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.